


A Less Than Optimal Mall Robbery

by Kataclysm_117



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Angels, Comedy, Demons, Gen, Heist, Original Character(s), Original Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-16 16:49:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14815157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kataclysm_117/pseuds/Kataclysm_117
Summary: Two gifted friends attempt to steal a cursed mannequin from a mall with disastrous results.





	A Less Than Optimal Mall Robbery

**Author's Note:**

> This was a commission I did, it's very short but insane so enjoy
> 
> There is some swearing, including one use or so of the unholy and blasphemous f-word, but otherwise there isn't really anything inappropriate.

“So, would you like to remind me why we’re attempting to steal a mannequin from a mall again?”  
The angel was one of two figures, both sitting on top of the stiff roof of a rundown gas station, which was oddly pitch black inside. It was snowing lightly around them, and the night was frigid. Although what had happened in the curiously deserted gas station was an interesting thing to consider, he had more important things to worry about. Across him stood a closed mall, and the figure beside him was a woman looking through binoculars, tapping her foot nervously.  
His companion, a mischievous, outspoken girl named Cassie, shuddered from the chill beside him. Some called her a demon, but he called her his best friend - even if she had some ridiculous ideas at times, like this. She snapped her fingers and a small spark of flame lit on her thumb, her teeth chattering from the cold. “I t-told you why, Edward. This guy I know wants this very specific mannequin in this very specific mall and he’s gonna pay a lot for it.”  
Edward shrugged, hugging his chest for warmth. “Why this mannequin though?”  
Cassie shook her head. “I was looking at the money, not asking questions.”  
The angel sighed, already foreseeing several things about this that could go terribly wrong. “What did I tell you about thinking about the money first and only the money?”  
“You told me something, but I wasn’t listening.”  
“Of course you weren’t. Do you at least have a plan?”  
“Yeah. I distract whatever poor bastard’s stuck here on night shift, and you fly in through the window, invade the overly emo clothing section, grab the mannequin, fly back out the window, and I run.”  
“You call that a plan?”  
“Isn’t that what I just said?”  
Edward groaned and stood up, stretching with a yawn. Before Cassie realized what was happening, three sets of feathery, pearl white wings unfurled from his back, snow drifting off of the once still wings. Unfortunately, one of Edward’s wings struck Cassie square in the back of the head, and she was sent spiraling off of the gas station, landing with a horrid crunch directly on top of an abandoned car. The car’s alarm rang for help for about ten minutes, but no one came.

Five minutes later, the haggard demon set foot inside the aesthetically pleasing mall. If only it were economically pleasing, she thought. A barely conscious security guard was wandering down the vast shopping center, and he somehow looked even more exhausted than the woman who had just fallen off of a gas station and walked it off. He rested his hand upon the taser on his waist, and approached the strange lady who had just burst through the doors of the mall.  
Didn’t I lock them? He could’ve sworn he did. Didn’t matter now.  
“Excuse me? Miss? The mall is closed! I’ll have to ask you to leave immediately!”  
“Don’t you have better things to be doing?” the woman asked impatiently, glancing uneasily toward something behind him. The guard jerked his head to the side, but there was nothing. She was probably some loonie from the mental asylum, he figured. A schizophrenic who was seeing things, perhaps?  
“Look, I’m not asking you again! Clear out!” He had no time for this, and he was growing more and more nervous by the second. His heart beated faster and faster as unease grew more and more prominent. What was she looking at?

The guard may not have seen a thing, but Cassie did.  
It was her “imaginary” friend, the demon that had took its share of her soul when she was a child. It hadn’t been her fault - her parents were to blame for that, but aren’t parents always to blame for a kid’s shortcomings? Maybe that’s not true, but Cassie wouldn’t know; she had had a very unusual childhood.  
The demon rubbed its hands, hissing and sputtering between its putrid lips. “What’s even the point of distracting him, Cassie? Just kill him, he’s in the way, no one will miss him…”  
Cassie shook her head. “Back off. Now.”  
The bewildered security guard took a couple steps back, wrapping his fingers around the handle of his taser. “Get out of here, now, or I call the police! You are breaking and entering-”  
The demon snickered. “Come on, Cassie, give in, I know you want to-”  
Before Cassie could make her decision or the guard could taze the strangest intruder he had ever met, a startled shriek erupted from upstairs, the shriek of a voice Cassie knew very well.

While the short tempered security guard had been trying to drive the increasingly conflicted Cassie from the mall, Edward had been quite busy. Upon studying the establishment with Cassie’s fallen binoculars for a solid ten minutes, his target had been decided upon - a debilitated, worn window desperately in need of repair, and one that would be easy to open silently and efficiently.  
Unfortunately, as all plans do, it didn’t quite go this way upon inception.  
Edward kicked off the roof of the gas station effortlessly, drifting silently along the freezing wind. His body almost froze up from the chill, and he became very aware that he might not make it. Why he was even bothering with Cassie’s childish and ridiculous heists, he had no idea, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to abandon her. He flapped his wings desperately, determined to reach the other side, he wouldn’t fail her, he wouldn’t-  
BONK.  
Edward’s miniature existential crisis came to an abrupt end as he smacked against a street light, his once-gracious flight quickly spiraling out of control. He reached out into the rushing wind desperately, but there was obviously nothing to grab onto. If he died from smashing into a dumpster or something, he was going to be incredibly disappointed-  
The good news was he made it to the window.  
The bad news was that it could’ve been much quieter.  
The glass burst to pieces as he tore through the window at full speed, his tumbling body hitting the floor of the mall’s second story hard. There was a loud, frightening crunch and he bit his lip to hold in a scream of pain. So far, this could’ve been going much better.  
He dragged his swollen head up from the tiled floor, seeing in relief the object of his pursuit just a few feet away - a peculiarly dressed but slightly grimey mannequin resting inside of an unnecessarily emo clothing store. He dragged his aching knees up and began to walk again.  
Edward’s shriek had not gone unnoticed by Cassie and her new acquaintance. The guard took one look at her, then bolted across the lobby, heading towards the escalator. Cassie was unsure as to why her plans never worked, but that was a problem for another day.  
“Son of a bitch-” Cassie raised her hands in desperation and bolts of flame shot up in front of the guard, knocking him off his feet. Unfortunately, she hadn’t expected to knock him into the air. He went up five feet then he came back down, smashing right into Cassie. The bewildered demon stumbled backwards and tripped on the edge of a very elegant and intricate fountain, tumbling into it and bringing the guard with her. In any other circumstance, she would’ve loved the fountain. The remaining flames emitting from her hands conflicted with the water, and spurts of steam hissed as they drifted serenely into the air.  
On the bright side, the security guard was distracted.

Edward could be doing better. On one hand, no guards appeared to be arriving. On the other hand, there was large clouds of steam and much screaming coming from the bottom floor, and knowing Cassie, something was going down. He could deal with that later, however.  
He made his final steps towards the mannequin, standing on top of a circular podium, dressed in some weird Victorian garb, and deeply exemplified of its dark and gothic surroundings. It was strangely ominous, but Edward couldn’t exactly make out why. He approached it cautiously, limping slightly from his injured foot. He reached out his hand and grabbed its arm-  
“Hey! Hands off the merchandise!”  
Edward jumped and recoiled immediately. Where the hell had that come from? He looked back at it and then realized with dread just why they might be stealing a very specific mannequin from a very specific mall. He poked it uneasily, praying to God it couldn’t talk.  
“What did I just say? I’m trying to sleep here!”  
It could definitely talk. The last thing he needed was to steal a talking mannequin. Maybe he could convince it to come without trouble? “Hey, I’m Edward, we’re, uh, it’s moving day, we gotta go-”  
The mannequin’s voice seemed to directly project itself into Edward’s mind, or at least, he assumed that’s what was happening, because like most mannequins, its face was featureless. “Moving day? At midnight, on a Thursday?”  
“What, do you have a clock in there or something?”  
“None of your business what’s in there, is it?”  
“That’s not what I-”  
Edward could hear more commotion downstairs. The sound of feet rushing up the stairs. He didn’t have much time. Making up his mind, he abruptly grabbed the mannequin, slung it over his shoulder, and began to run for the window. “Come on, time to go!”  
The mannequin started emitting incredibly irritating, high pitched cries for help. “Let go of me, or I’ll unleash my deadliest weapon!”  
Halfway there. “You’re a mannequin, what do you even think you can do-”  
“This!” The mannequin’s arm suddenly swung straight down, and unfortunately, it was at the perfect angle to smack Edward right in the crotch. His run for freedom abruptly ended as Edward yelped in pain and fell forward, knocking the mannequin out of his arms. The mannequin hit the ground and began to roll toward a flight of stairs, yelling “Sayonara, bitch!” as it tumbled down.

Of all the things Cassie was expecting to see as she chased the guard up the stairs, it was not a mannequin careening over the edge and plunging down the stairs, screeching in pain with every new step it hit. The guard, who had almost made it to the top, was tripped by the unexpected model and was knocked down the stairs as well. The last thing Cassie heard before the pair smashed into her was the mannequin swearing at God for making them feel physical pain.  
Cassie was overtaken in the newly formed flood of humanoid figures, and everyone collapsed at the bottom of the stairs with a resounding thud. Cassie was the first to get up, ignoring the throbbing pain in her legs, and grabbed the arm of the mannequin, making a run for the exit. The guard crawled after her, muttering about how he was getting a new job effective tomorrow. He pulled out his taser, and took aim-  
But his shot was ruined by a startling third party.  
Edward swooped in, his wings aloft, and he kicked the guard in the back of the head as he passed, who promptly fell unconscious after the abuse of what might have been the most eventful night of work he had ever had. The angel glided down low and grasped out for his friend’s hand, narrowly dodging a pillar. Cassie instinctively grabbed it, still dragging the profanity-spewing mannequin, and the three burst out the front doors. Edward pulled up, almost hitting a tree, and the strangest party ever assembled flew through the frozen night sky, victorious.  
Cassie looked up at Edward, panting for breath. “That went better than most of our heists.”  
Edward sighed. “Unfortunately, you’re not wrong. The guy we’re selling the mannequin to is close, right?”  
“Like, fifteen minutes from here-”  
The mannequin let out a grumble of distaste. “Selling me? No way! SNEAK ATTACK!”  
The mannequin’s hand came down again, hitting Cassie’s arm with a loud smack. The demon let out a prompt cry of pain and couldn’t hold on to it as it fell down from the skies. The last the two ever heard from that particular mannequin was its shout of “adios, motherfuckers!” as it descended into the dark. Edward and Cassie remained in shock for about a full awkward minute, drifting through the silent night.  
Cassie was the first to break the silence. “You wanna just get take-out or something?”  
“Yeah, sounds good to me.”  
The two unusual figures flew through the night sky, as somewhere in the vast city, a very disgruntled mannequin was attempting to pull itself out of a poor taxi driver’s demolished windshield.

**Author's Note:**

> Shameless Twitter link for those who want to keep updated: https://twitter.com/Kataclysm117  
> Also my email is katherinetruett.official@gmail.com, I take commissions like this one occasionally


End file.
